Poetry

2002 Collection

Again, much of what I wrote in 2002 is a free verse/writing poetry exercise to get the myriad of thoughts out of my head. 

 

01/20/02

I am falling into the same trap, a trap I tried to avoid. He was so inviting. I never thought about how it would end. I stupidly ignored the power of my fate, the power of the inevitable. It seems nice now but I know how it’s going to end. He’ll lose interest, or, better yet, he’ll explain how he wasn’t attracted to me in the first place. Even better. This whole scenario has come my way more than I’d like to admit. And yet something compels me to keep trying. I foolishly believe there is a chance that it won’t turn out the same. The inevitable will soon laugh in my face. After so much pain and rejection I still do not give up. It is no longer me deciding whom I should pursue. It is my foolish heart. The naïve heart that still believes that love is real, and that I too will find the love meant for me. My stubborn mind does not believe this. So it becomes a war with myself. Love or Isolation? I dare not choose. The heart wants what it wants but so does the mind.

Isolation is the victor.

 

01/20/02

I am walking with the multitude, towards the dreaded sunset, or sunrise, it doesn’t really matter much to my unconscious feet. They follow like mechanical stumps. The force of opportunity pushes me to the side of the path. My legs no longer know what to do, what to follow. My mind does not wish to follow the multitude, it never had to begin. What shall I do? Shall I follow the crowd once again like a mindless sheep in a self-destructive flock? Or shall I find my own road? A road that suits me, a path I have long since been looking for. I start walking with the crowd, my legs once again choosing oblivion, choosing ignorance. But my mind is stronger now, and my heart restless for something more. A smaller, darker road catches my eye and soon my fancy. The crowd avoids it, terrified to even look in its direction which makes the road more inviting. My feet stop in protest, but my mind is clear now; it knows what it wants. That path is a destiny, a fate held only for me. I follow the road, my feet taking their hesitant steps. Soon it feels right, the road under my feet. It completes the devoid feeling of following that horrible and senseless crowd. I am the only follower of this road, in complete isolated bliss. The road was what I was meant to find. The road and I. I and the road. The road is me. There is something I can feel, only given off to my most acute senses. Something that has been lying at the end of this road that I must complete. Something that was meant to capture only me.

 

02/09/02

Your face appears so innocent, looking on with untainted eyes. There is so much more behind those eyes that I will never touch. I will never venture to reach the far islands of your mind, your innermost thoughts. The life you’ve lived with me has been devoid of meaning. An entire lifetime we’ve had together and yet we know nothing of each other. Unbeknownst are we of each other’s lives. You look so impassive, incapable of implementing pain into another’s life. How ironic your face is. It brought me more pain than you can imagine. It puzzles me how you can cage such horror, such malice behind those eyes, that face. Where did this wretched person come from? How did it originate? What motivates it to reach such malignant depths? You hide it so well. And when provoked, the unmerited terror is released. I try to hide from its wrath, the incredulous beast that has taken so much of me. I weep to think of the incident in which you let Him loose, let Him loose upon me. Emotions I never thought I would have against you have arisen. I am sorry for that. Yet you know not of the things you do. I pray that you will see this soon, and soon you shall, dear brother…

 

03/02/02

Once I was the leader of the pack. Proudly watching as the others timidly followed. Always the first to experience love. Now I scramble behind the herd. Desperately I try to keep up with elusive love. This cursed illusion which was once my treasure has slipped through my fingers like sand through a sieve. Deceitful euphoria which is now my torment. Those who were concealed by my beauty from love’s eyes have finally broken through. I am now a wretched and defiled little creature with no luster left. No glimmer or gleam which attracted love to me. It is all gone. And now I must find a secret corner and witness love until for the deserving, for those who are not me.

 

03/02/02

Poor quaint little creature. So beautiful and so magnetic you once were. Never did you worry about your inviting scent fading away into the thieving air. Now you are so dismal, so plain. How could such a creature like you have been so flamboyant and enticing some time back? It is hard to see now looking at this gloomy thing. This malevolent creature that hides in the shadows, wishing for the unattainable. My reflection says it all…

 

03/08/02

Love has scorned her yet again. Poor quiet soul, solemnly permits this repulsive fluid to drench her body and seep into her skin. Adversity, in euphoric disdain, smiles upon her brow.

 

03/09/02

A weed among roses: my recent transmogrification. I ruefully observe the Gathering commence. Each beautiful rose is chosen carefully by the Pickers. I know all too well that my malignant weeds and decrepit petals will remain in the dirt. I have accepted the fact that I will never be a member of the Dozen.

 

03/29/02

Long were the days traveling through the deserts. Reaching an oasis, I find a quaint object. A bottle containing an enticing elixir. Many bottles I have drunk from, but this one was so different. The bottle containing the potion of everlasting love I have long since deserved. I pick the object up and desperately try to pry the top from the bottle; take a long, refreshing drink. “Too bad,” the bottle whispers. “This drink is not meant for you.” Every fiber in my body, every feeling, every thought and every motion on earth tells me that this bottle, this drink was meant for me. The bottle refuses still. “It is meant for another love,” it says, “another who I’ve loved for longer than I’ve loved you.” I am dying of thirst, wishing so badly to quench it with this elixir. I knew it would’ve been mind had I not traveled the desert for so long. But it’s too late…too late. The bottle has chosen the love it found and it will not waver. Just as you have chosen the girl for you, Aaron, and nothing can change it. I was too late; it has been too long.

 

04/12/02

Two gifts presented. One claimed, one yet to be chosen. The unclaimed gift awaits the day you, oh wonderful buyer, will choose. It seems so simple. One is for you: the unclaimed gift. One is not. Yet you, Mr. Buyer, strive to claim the one object that can never be yours. It entices still, leads you astray from the other precious gift. “Look at me,” it says, “Aren’t I beautiful? If only you’d come sooner, I would have been yours.” This playful object leads you away, poor buyer. Away from what is good and right. Away from me. Woe to you, Mr. Buyer, stop chasing after the claimed, lest you lose sight of what you left behind.

 

04/12/02

I am ready for the game. I know all the rules. I play well. I have been training for years. Test me and challenge me; I am ready for it. I look with confidence for an opponent. Someone who shares my zeal. In silent anticipation, I watch as the other players find their match. Mine is yet to come. Please find me, and find me soon hopeful opponent, so that I may share my game with you.

 

04/12/02

If you could only see the way I look at you. If you could only feel the way my heart beats when you’re near. If only you could know my thoughts and discover how many times you are passing through. If you could only realize how long I’ve loved you. If you could only realize what is right for you. If you could only know how much I feel about you. If you could only feel the same. If only…

 

04/16/02

So this is what it feels like to be in love with you. So this is what it feels like to love you when you love someone else. Where was I when you could have been mine? I was too busy seeking those who were not worthy. Where were you when my heart was open? You were falling in love with someone who is unworthy. We are two parts, somehow separated. Had we looked in the right direction, if only we had looked in the right direction, we would have had something incredible, something untouchable. We could have had such unfaltering love that the envious would be struck breathless. We would melt the hearts of the most rigid, strike a tear in the most austere. Blind men would paint masterpieces of our undying love, and mute men would recite epic poems of our romances. We could have been unbelieving great, incapable of destruction, you and I. It’s so sad, so very sad, that we never realized that.

 

04/16/02

Sadness has dripped into my veins. You and I, the greatest love to ever make the earth through our two miniscule bodies, will never be. Our future plays over in my mind. It shatters when I realize the conflict. You love another, a person who will never deserve you, a person who can’t even taste the greatness that would be us.

 

04/20/02

Empty words, empty promises, empty you. Why don’t you listen? I am bearing my heart for you to see. Your promises are meaningless, they vaporize with each word you breathe. Faith in you I no longer have. Go away you empty thing, you cheating liar. Stop making promises you can’t keep.

 

04/23/02

‘Dear Aaron’

I don’t know how long I can sit around and wait for you. I want to stay and see when you’ll love me back? But that hope I have is slowly fading. Please don’t leave me waiting here, longing for you. I need to know that you feel the same way.

When will you see that I’m the one?

When will you know what I feel for you?

Please realize that I need you in my life.

I need you, I love you, I want you by my side.

I look at you and see something great. I see a love that transcends all understanding. The question is, “Do you see that too?” I want your love, I think I am deserving. Please stop keeping that gift from me.

Let me in, let me know, let me see that side of you.

I want to share a side of me with you that I never knew I had.

All I’m waiting for is for you to say okay.

I know you love someone else, but these thoughts won’t leave my head. I know you don’t see me in that way, but it’s time you took a chance. Just for a moment, can you see us as more than friends? I’m still waiting for you to change your mind. And I think you’re worth that wait…

I’ll wait a year or two or three or four.

Just to know what you will say.

Be it yes, be it no, it doesn’t matter to me.

I can’t let go of the chance that you might love me too.

So I’ll sit and wait and wonder until that day finds you.

I think you’re worth the wait. You’re definitely worth the wait…it all depends on how long you’ll make me wait.

 

04/28/02

You laugh at the jokes I tell
My smile alone makes you melt
If only that girl were me

Forever her shadow, I know
I’ll be forever her shadow
Because you don’t see me
Sick of being her shadow
I want to step into the light
So you can see the girl I want to be

I’m sitting here thinking of you
Hoping I’ll always be true
I’m waiting around to see
If one day I ever will be
More to you than what you see
Within her shadow

Forever her shadow, I know
I’ll be forever her shadow
Because you don’t see me
Sick of being her shadow
I want to step into the light
So you can see the girl I wan to be

Your heart races when she walks by
Her attraction is making me cry
It’s killing the hope of me and you
I hate to say it, but one day
She’ll be moving along on her way
Because she has other things to do
Besides sticking around for you
Tell me then, will I still be

Forever her shadow, I know
I’ll be forever her shadow
Because you don’t see me
Sick of being her shadow
I want to step into the light
So you can see the girl I wan to be

I know you love her, but it’s time you realized
Please stop looking in her eyes
And start to look into mine
See the passion and the love
That’s waiting here for you
Just once can you look through
And see the one that will be true?

Forever her shadow, I know
I’ll be forever her shadow
Because you don’t see me
Sick of being her shadow
I want to step into the light
So you can see the girl I wan to be

No longer her shadow…

 

04/29/02

See me now, hear me now, love me now
Please say you will
Don’t care when, don’t care how
Just say you will

So many things running through my head, and they’re all about you. All about you. Do you ever think about what we could be as more than friends? Way more than a friend? It hurts so bad to see you turn the other way, you turn to her. Turn to her. Why do you keep on running back to her? To a dead end love, a dead end love. Please…

See me now, hear me now, love me now
Please say you will
Don’t care when, don’t care how
Just say you will

I admire your every move from afar. I’m too afraid to tell you, too afraid to tell you. I just don’t want to be hurt again. I’ve been hurt before, so many times before. Give me one single chance to be your everything. I’d be good to you, so good to you. Don’t run away, just stay and hear me out. I want to share with you, what I’ve been waiting to. So…

See me now, hear me now, love me now
Please say you will
Don’t care when, don’t care how
Just say you will

Feelings of love for you flowing through my heart. I’ve felt this way for a while, a long while. Wishing one day you’d tell me you feel the same way. My greatest dream of all, my biggest wish of all.

See me now, hear me now, love me now
Please say you will
Don’t care when, don’t care how
Just say you will

 

06/10/02

The two of you are like flower and butterfly: steadily blossoming into living are. A beautiful song is left from each step you take; from each smile I am blessed to witness. Nothing but joy and love is felt from your presence. I see your faces, unclouded with guilt, without impurity. I am blessed to witness God within these two wonderful specimens. Miracles await to be released from your very fingers. You shed this wonderful light upon me that cannot be matched by any gift of any price, and for that I will be eternally grateful. God, thank you for blessing me with two wonderful friendships that can never be broken, even by death.

 

06/10/02

You were finally released from her snare. Now here’s my chance. I will take you to a place that you were waiting so long to reach with her. But sadly my chance has passed. In an instant I knew you would be mine. But just as quickly you sprung away to another. I thought you loved me the way I love you. Now I open my eyes. I take a step back to see that all I had created in my mind was not reality. I never had a chance to win your heart. It was all in my mind. My feelings had never been revealed. I wanted so much for you to know the truth. I let my imagination carry me far away to a place I thought I had reached with you. I was sadly mistaken, for you never had a change of heart. I am stuck. I’m not bad enough to be scorned, yet not pure enough to be loved. Invisible to you I have always been. Here I must remain; in this torment, in this limbo, forever scarred, knowing all too well that I never will be good enough for you.

 

06/10/02

I sit in front of the mirror to behold a girl, now woman, still untouched by love’s beauty. In silent desperation I wait for you to some, hopeless love. I’d give up my very heart to know you for one moment. Come into my soul and light it up. Ignite the fire that is so ready to burn through me, so that I may be wholly consumed by you. What do I have to prove in order for you to come? I know you are just around the corner, waiting for me to mature, waiting for my sincerity. I can no longer be patient. I am at the edge of my seat. I have prepared a place for you to reside in hopes of that fateful visit. I want to sit and pour our every feeling I’ve held captive within the most secretive depths of my mind, my heart. I want you to know my sorrow, precious love, I want you to know my joy. I want you to know me. I want you to see the passion, the unconditional love that awaits to be liberated by your slightest touch. With your command I would be released. I would be able to share with you what I’ve wanted to for so very long. Love don’t keep me waiting. I’ve never been more ready to be set free into endless vulnerability. I know what’s in store, and now I’m no longer scared. I’m no longer frightened by rejection and pain and heartache. Just give me a chance to try and love back. One single chance to open my arms and let love take me over.

 

06/10/02

I must be made of crystal. I must be made of glass. Unseen, I guess I am, to the entire world. Completely transparent, completely see-through. Not enough to be visible to even the keenest human eye. All of this must be true, for you look right through me as if I am nothing at all…

 

06/19/02

I used to think I was the idiot. I was the one who had the problem. But now I’m not so sure…I thought there was something wrong with me. There had to be since you noticed me in no way at all. Now I realize that you are the idiot. You’re the one who is missing out. You’re the one seeking a hopeless relationship. You’re the one who is waiting for love to happen because you are too blind to see the love right in front of you. I’m not the patient person I thought I was, and so I can’t and I won’t wait around for you. By the time you realize what you missed out on I’ll have moved on. I’m sorry; it’s too late for you now.

 

06/24/02

I wish you would listen. My heart, my soul, and my mind are all screaming for you to comprehend. I’ve checked numerous times: I know that I’m telling you these things clearly. Yet, you still don’t seem to understand me or my feelings. Why do you have to be this way? I wish you were more sensitive. You say that I’m overly sensitive. I’m sorry. If one were able to change another individual’s human nature, maybe I could change mine. Until then, what I am is what I am, and there’s nothing that can be done about that. Maybe you should step back and try to relate. I’ve had the consideration to do it for you. You know, step in your shoes and see where you’re coming from. Would it be possible for you to do the same? I wish you would stop putting more on me than I could handle. Sometimes you push me too hard without realizing it. Maybe you should back off a little and take things in stride. I’m still adjusting to the world that you’ve been living in all of your life. Can you find the heart to compromise? I wish you would not lie to me. Sometimes I know you do it so you won’t disappoint me, but I think you have it all backwards. If you paid any attention to me, you would know that I appreciate a person who keeps things clear and straight with me more than a person who avoids the obvious. Do you think it would be possible for you to be more honest? Because I’m getting the feeling that you aren’t being true with me, and I hate not having faith in you. Up until now many empty promises you did make, and along with it my heart you did break.

 

06/29/02

Somehow and someway the world always manages to remind me that I am alone. Loneliness is a terrible companion that has rudely found commonplace with me. How did he choose his captor? Did he cruelly grin and choose me because he knew I was most earnestly seeking? I was searching for my other half. The one important part in making me completely whole. Wretched Loneliness stopped me dead in my tracks. Why not another? Why couldn’t he have just passed me by? He knew I needed my other part more badly than the rest. He knew how long I had waited devoid of this most desirable happiness. And yet he had no mercy. Oh cruel Loneliness, let me be. But still tomorrow comes, and the world will once again remind me that I am alone.

 

07/10/02

I used to be lonely. I used to be sad. Completely jealous of the entire world. My thoughts rested on that of the past. The relationships that I deemed precious. I overemphasized the love I had believed to have been developed. Now the past melts away when I am with you. I forget all the pain and heartache when you are near. You’re the ne I had searched for in vain for the past few years. And until now I had not found it. I can’t say that I love you, but perhaps a few years of getting to know you will develop into the purest form of it. We have our entire lives to get to know each other and I can’t wait for each moment of it. I have never know another like you, and I don’t think I ever will.

 

07/18/02

You weren’t exactly prince charming. Nor were you a knight in shining armor. You didn’t rescue me from anything serious. You just came along suddenly in my way. You weren’t the guy I imagined. You didn’t come to my house in the pouring rain to confess your undying love. Our love didn’t unfold like that on the movie screen. It wasn’t love at first sight. But you were exactly what I needed, even though you weren’t exactly what I dreamed of in my mind. Regardless of all of this, I believe I have found something twice as good and lasting than any girlish fantasy I have ever conjured in my mind. All you were is you and that’s all you even could be. All you were is you and that’s all I could ever love.

 

08/03/02

Walking through the forest, I searched for an exotic plant. A flower, a tree, something that had been untouched by human sight. I wanted it all for myself. I wanted I to know only me. Its glossy leaves, its brilliant colors would only find my eyes. No one else could have it. It had to be mine, belonging only to me. I never found my exotic plant, the plant that fit my mold. But I found something simple, something obvious, that I had since now taken for grated. One single green fixture that was always beneath my line of sight. How could something so minuscule exceed the pleasure of my fanciful plant? And now it is all I can ever see, all I could ever want beneath the exotic brush. It is now all I could ever love: my simple blade of grass.

 

11/24/02

I see the words you write, feel the longing there to see. The relationship we had, the moments that used to be. Dear mom I can’t turn back time. Although I wish I could. I’d lead you along on the path I followed, the path of the righteous and good. The rift has grown too deep. Only He can bring you to me. So you can finally experience, so you can finally see. Dear mom, please take that path, please desire this Truth be told, before you grow too weary mom, before you get too old. Don’t let the world consume you and thus the Fire will too. Please follow Him and return to me, don’t be a sinning fool. I love you mom and want you here as Jesus wants you too. He loves you mom (can’t you see?) no matter what you do. So break this rift, join the fight, I’ll be right by your side. And so will other Christians, mother, who have nothing to hide. What a wonderful thing if you believed what other mothers do. So then I could stand up and proudly say, “My mother is a Christian too!”

 

*School Project Poem (01-02)*

I once felt the pain of a separation that was out of my control. The longing, the endless suffering each taking their turn with my feeble heart. Powerless I was to stop them. They were too swift and too cunning for me, striking swiftly like a venomous snake, frothing with pernicious venom. Oh, dreadful snake, malevolent snake! Why me? Why us? Why now? Oblivious were we to your crafty ways. We were not prepared. If only we had a warning, a premonition of that grievous fate. To cheat our death and love’s demise.

 

12/13/02

I feel so unneeded, so non-existent. I feel so alone, desolate, defeated. I wish I could scream out to relieve my stress. I wish I were important, I wish I were the best. I need something I can call my own. One gift no one else could exceed. I haven’t found my gift, my niche. I haven’t found a need. I feel so useless, pushing non-existence through each and every day. I haven’t found my trait just yet, I haven’t found my way.

 

12/22/02

Dear mother f mine, I miss you so. I travelled so far, a place you have yet to go. Oh how the roles have changes: mother to daughter, and daughter to mother. Can’t you see it in my eyes? I want you to know. You’ve looked into the eyes of sinners and found commonplace there. Look into the eyes of the righteous, dear mother. I want to see you there. Maybe one day you will. Hopefully you will. Until then, far away you will remain. Far, far away. And yet I can touch you and see you. Hug you , kiss you, speak with you dear mother. But the rift still remains. Nothing has changed. We can’t be connected. And the rift grows deeper yet.

 

Thank you for visiting my online writing profile. My husband, Ian, and I also have a collaborative recipe blog where we share how we make the things we love to eat! If you'd like to take a gander, please visit it at: ianalexiscook.food.blog

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