2003 Collection


My life is a mystery. Ambiguous and cunning. I don’t know where to start. Beginning to end: all meshed in to one enigmatic cage. I am surrounded by it, this enigma, my life. I cannot escape. I cannot restart my life, there’s too much there, too much history, just to lay it all aside and begin again. I must succumb to this life, my life. I will submit and fight no more.



Lonely woman. Why you lookin’ so low? Lonely woman. Where you been? Hey there, Lonely woman. What you been through, poor Lonely woman. What you been through, poor Lonely woman? Look like you been cryin’, poor woman. Now the tears are no longer there. You been cryin’ night and day till you couldn’t cry no mo’. You just lookin’ sad poor woman. You just lookin’ sad right now. Poor woman, poor woman, Lonely woman…



You’ve walked the paths of the sinful and found no desire to leave. You’ve conversed among their heathen kind, you still wish not to depart. Woe to you dear friend, fellow Christian, lest you walk their path to the fiery depths below. Woe to you, poor sinner, dear friend you will not escape by then.



They are devoid of Truth, mindlessly praying to Him. Do they not know what path they are actually walking? I cry for you, pray for you. And they kept on praying. Do you know that He will not listen. You are not His child yet. Read His word and you will know. You are still lost. You have not come to realize the important aspects of the Truth. I pray you will know…I pray for you everyday. Please know that right now you are devoid, without hope, bound for the depths of Satan’s domain…and they continued to pray on.



I am ready for the objective. Ready to fight to battle against the foe. For our sake, for freedom’s sake. I will fight at all costs, stopping only by Fate’s touch. I will fight till there is nothing left I can give but myself. I am ready for this war, this war for Freedom and Liberty. Even though it means killing life and forsaking humanity…?



I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think…I thought I could depend on them, but they are too uninformed to know what’s going on inside me as I write. It doesn’t matter thought because talking can’t help me this time. I have no words to really say the turmoil I feel inside, it’s too much. Too many things going where I don’t wish it to go. Too many hopes destroyed. I can’t handle it. I want to scream, but I am too weak from sorrow. I want options, but they’ve all diminished as the weeks pass by…I want to get away from these feelings, but the problems will find my hiding place. I feel myself returning to old options that I had thought I had destroyed. I can’t go back to the person I used to be to deal with this anger and depression and grief. I can’t and I won’t but I feel it returning day by day. I’ll pray for it to take rest and proceed no more. Those old habits are useless for me now. But I’m still stuck in my place, immovable for the time being. I want to get out, to escape, but I can’t be set free. I just want to live my life again, without scrutiny, without scorn. I just want to be me again. I just want to be myself.



I never thought a day would come where I’d doubt you. I never thought I would have to think twice about me loving you and you loving me. But I know there are roads you have yet to take that I’ve already taken. And it kills me day by day that I might not be there with you.

I know I shouldn’t be selfish.
All you need is time to find.
All the things in life you need.
Even if it might not be me.

I pray I won’t be selfish if that time comes to be. But I cannot imagine my life without you. I’ve travelled those roads already. If only you could see what I’ve already seen. Maybe then you would know and still choose me…in the end.

I know I shouldn’t be selfish.
All you need is time to find.
All the things in life you need.
Even if it might not be me.

I’ll go with you for as long as I can. Until one day you fin her. I’ll try so hard not to cling to you. In my heart you’ll always be with me, even after you’ve already gone. That day I hope will never come, but still I know…

I know I shouldn’t be selfish.
All you need is time to find.
All the things in life you need.
Even if it might not be me.

I’ll try so hard to help you find your way. I know you say you could never love another, but it just might be so. And that feeling of knowing I can’t have you scares me so deep inside. It eats me up alive.

I know I shouldn’t be selfish.
All you need is time to find.
All the things in life you need.
Even if it might not be me.


*School Poem (An Acrostic) 03/04/03*

Somewhere outside, Mr. Lonely walks.
Taking roads yet unknown.
Random places, interactions without meaning.
Anywhere he has been.
No where he will come to know.
Going through life, walking aimlessly.
Entering homes he will leave all too soon.
Remember him not. He is no one.


*School Poem (Extended Metaphor) 04/02/03*

Love is the sun.
Waking me from rest at dawn.
Urging me to rise, to live another day.
It exposes me, shows me for who I am.
It keeps me warm, brings me life.
Until it slowly creeps below the earth.
Leaving me longing, hoping for more.
But as sure as the sun will rise again
So will Love dawn for me a new day.



My life is that of a seasonal tree, flowing with life in the beginning. But as Time’s breath blows change in my way, so do I begin my cycle. As Fall breezes by, my once hopeful leaves wither away in shameful glory. This hope soon descends in red and gold to my base. Then Winter’s chilly, deathly mouth opens wide and swallows me whole. Mother Sun tries desperately to revive me from the awful cold, while Father Moon kills me to the core. He has been distant from me all of my life. And when I beg him to warm me like Mother Sun, he breathes colder still. Then Springtime friends smile upon my brow. They save me from the heartache Winter brought with Father Moon. They warm my arms and help life begin anew. I slowly grow and hope returns leafy green. My lovely green leaves shine upon my arms. Soon Summer speaks of wonderful promise. My hope rises to the fullest of life. I’m content and happy and cheerful again. But still I know Fall is shortly returning. And following after: Winter’s disdainful grin.



I want you to touch my face the way that you used to and look into my eyes. Smile at me, so I can know that what I feel inside is right. I want you to rub my hand the way that you used to and tell me that you love me. I can’t fight it anymore, I won’t fight anymore. I love you, and I thought that was enough. You loved me, but it’s just not enough for you.



I looked at you that night and knew that you had changed. Sun and moon came crashing in an instant. Just as my world turned round for you so it ceased and became my norm. Your feelings were lost somehow and I am so sorry it had to come to this. I loved you, but I guess it’s not right now. You hurt me so badly when you told me goodbye. And now I must move on, live on lost inside myself. No longer yours. No longer mine. Maybe someday if it’s right, Lord-willing, we will be together again. But for now I must deal with pain so great that I already feel dead inside. You were my all, but I just needed you too much. You weren’t ready, and I know you tried. I’ll save a place inside my soul to give to you once again if you ever wanted it back. I’ll hold on for as long as I can, hoping you will love me again. I want to be your everything. I guess I just can’t be that right now.



Sometimes we have to do things that we really can’t find the heart to. We have to let go of things we cling so heavily upon. Let go of memories, let go of it all. I wasn’t ready to let you go. That night you broke my heart, but I still loved you. It’s so hard to move on from the times we used to have. Although I know we’ll still be close friends, it hurts so badly to know that’s where it has to stay. But sometimes we need to let go of good things because maybe they weren’t right for right now. I’m staggering behind while life moves on and on. Weakened by the thought of not having you in that way anymore. But sometimes I just have to let things go the way they must go. I know I can’t hold on to you forever. Sometime I’ll let you go and be okay. But for now my scars run deep inside my mind. They twist me up inside because sometimes, even though I know I should, I can’t let people like you go.



Today I have to lie to you and to myself. I have to cheat you until I don’t love you anymore. There is nothing that I could want more but to be back in your arms. But it’s not a possibility for you don’t love me. So I have to smile and put up a front. Be your friend while behind the wall I’m dying to have you. I have to lie to you so that I can get over it. So that’s what I’ll do, just for you. I bet you didn’t know that I loved you that much. I love you so much that I’m willing to sacrifice what I am all about for you. Just as long as you’re comfortable. I’ll smile in your face and lie to you. While deep down inside I want to tell you all my feelings for you, just for you. Maybe someday my feelings will be gone and I can honestly move on from you. But until then I’ll smile just for you. I’ll lie just to you…and to myself.



Smile today, happy girl. Let him and the world know that you are just fine. Laugh and joke around like today is just another day. Smile today and don’t stop being happy. Nothing has changed anyway. You’ll be alright, you’ll be okay. So jump around, act crazy, be yourself. You’ll play everyone for a fool. Because today, you’re doing the worst thing in the world: lying to yourself and others. Pretending you don’t love him anymore.



Dear Lord I have some questions within this humble prayer. I’ll try my best to tell you all that’s running through my head. Oh Lord please do not take offence, for I must ask you this. I’m all alone without him; God I know not what to do. Why did you have to take him Lord? Please tell me, I must know. Now I have to hide what I feel within, the feelings I want to show. I know You had a part in this, as Your hand’s in everything. But Lord I know You understand the happiness he brings to me, the comfort that he brought to me. So Lord I must ask you this one favor, however long it takes. Could You bring him back? Is it possible? It would mean the world to me. Then You could see dear Lord the woman that I could be. I’d love him Lord as I love him now as I’ll always love You. So if it’s at all possible, I’ll wait for Your answered prayer. I’ll understand Your reasons Lord if you cannot bring him back. Dear Lord thanks for listening to my prayer. I have no more to say. But this one thing to the one I said this to everyday:

I’ll love you Devin, no matter how you feel for me.



Cannot stop thinking, waiting, hoping. Never forget for fear of losing, even though I already have. Tears coming without sign of ceasing.  My face is a raincloud, threatening a storm. Wish I could store this feeling I have inside. Never fall this hard. Never trust again.



I’m alone and forever free.
But somehow not like I used to be.
My feelings inside have since now remained unchanged.
Like a song it keeps the same melody.
Crooning the same love-sweet song.
For a man who is far away from me.

It’s been forever and a day.
Yet I still remember the memories of him.
I still long for the moments that aren’t there.
Like a love-sweet song crooning that same melody.
Of feelings now past out of his mind.
But they won’t stop playing forever in my heart.

And suddenly I see.

I’m alone and forever free.
But somehow not like I used to be.
I’m only half the song I used to know.



I walk alone unaided. A smile on my face. I’m faking. I’m faking…I don’t know what aI am here for. I used to be something better. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I used to feel something better. Can’t I go back to where I started…before you went away? You left me here, stuck in this lonely place within my heart. Within my mind. Within my soul. I can’t say that I am living again. For I walk through life completely lost. It’s been this way since I lost your love. I don’t know what I’m here for, without you. I hate it. I can’t stand it. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I’m lost here. I feel abandoned. A smile on my face. I’m faking. Can’t you see that I’m faking? I used to be something better. I used to know something better. It was you…



It was the first time anyone has ever meant that much to me. It was the first time I ever felt so good about my life. It was the first time I ever said that I love you, and it was the first time that the person said it back. It was the first time I ever felt like this. It was the first time I ever shared such a meaningful kiss. And it was the first time I ever felt that same little jolt inside whenever his lips touched my own. It was the first time I ever shared every part of my life with someone I trusted through and through. It was the first time I wasn’t scared to be myself around this person who meant the world to me. And it was the first time I ever put my wants and needs aside just to give you everything you wanted and needed. It was the very first time I didn’t mind doing everything for you…But like all firsts they must come to an end. And like all firsts they remain just where they are: in the past. And like all firsts I never for one second forget all they meant to me, all you meant to me. I never wanted our firsts to end. They never stopped living within me. But there are firsts you haven’t been through before. So you must move on from the ones you shared with me. Why did our firsts have to come to an end? I just didn’t want to end them with you. But sooner or later they must stop where they must, and we must move on to different things. I’ll never forget all my first moments with you. They’re forever etched into my heart. Maybe one day we can share some more firsts together. Because I want you to be my last…



Sometimes I wonder if it rains because God is showing exactly what I feel inside. I woke this morning like I woke to all the others: completely lost without you. It continues raining and the thunder is moaning as the minutes pass me by. And I sit secluded by my bedroom window watching my heart pour down upon the earth. Seeing my pain drip down my window. And I wonder…and I wish. Maybe I could take back the time that passed me by. Bring it back from the cold abyss. The rain’s still pouring down hard as I try to think of ways to rid you from my mind. I’m hoping and I’m praying that the rain will cease and I’ll finally be free from your inviting presence. But as the thunder moans gently on, it beckons me to stay where I am. I’m missing you. And nothing and no one can ever help me figure out what is going on inside of me. I don’t know how many more times I’ll wake to mornings like this. Mornings that tell me the very moment I open my eyes that what I feel inside hasn’t changed. It’s hard to stop thinking about you and even harder to stop loving you the way I do. And the rain pours on, and the rain pours on. Keep on raining, keep on showing my insides. But I’ll never be emptied. Even after all this time, it’s still raining. I can’t be free.



Once before was a sad little girl. Growing old, she seemed to find her way. Thought she matured, but now she’s not sure. Moving on and growing up is not as easy as she thought it would be. Now she flows backwards instead of moving forward. Each day it becomes harder to move on. All the paths she could have taken have left her. And now she’s stuck somewhere in between. She’s holding back now, unable to decide. Whether she wants to move on and leave all she knows behind. Or should she go back and ruin what she’s worked her little life for? She doesn’t know. She has no where to go…



Where do I go? What do I say? To a lonely heart that no longer wants to stay in this place. Should I press on? Should I go back? To realms unknown or too familiar lands. When will I know? How can I see? The path to take that God has planned out just for me. When will I see/ Where will I find? The life I want, the life that God will give unto me. I’m waiting…



Too much expectation. The walls are quickly moving in. I stand in the middle, helpless. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what to be. If only the walls would stop. Give me time to collect myself. Quit expecting too much of me. I don’t expect too much of you. One more step closer and I will be crushed. No longer me, or capable of meaning anything to you. Just wait for me. Don’t push me down. Please walls, stop moving in. Before you break my spirit. And make me useless forevermore.



I’m tired of the same old stories, the endless conversations devoid of meaning. I’m sick of giving I am sorry to say. Especially giving that which I do not possess. I’ve given up hopes, dreams and aspirations that once meant the world to me. And worst of all, I’ve overlooked the sanctity of promises that were made to me, especially to me. I’m done with all these games. I’m ready to move along. SO maybe if I do, I won’t end up where I always have once I decide to sell myself away. I won’t end up with the same old feelings, in the same old situations. I need to get out. I need to get away.



Calm the storms within. Let them pass with every breath. Silently whisper thoughtless feelings upon the gentle breeze. No longer shall you hope to control your destiny. Let Fate work his hands without a word or care. Feel no more trouble, dear one. Someday it will all be over. But for now silent you must remain as the storm passes over. Keep you wishes and hopes, your fears and desires all within your solemn heart. Not a single one can be uttered, lest they hurt you in the end. Not through a tear, not through a sigh. They all must be kept deep inside. Calmly wait. Silently take it all in with no sign of changed emotion. Be silent and ever still, as the storms are calmed within.



I’m the road on their way in life. Inviting I am upon first sight. They all turn and walk the path I offer. But no one ever stays, no one remains. For once I wish someone would take refuge with me. See what I really offer. Subside my loneliness. But on they always walk. Towards greater things than my lonely road can ever give. On to better things to which I will never extend. Onward they go, far beyond my lonely road. And here I must remain, silently leading them away from me forevermore. For I am just a road. A mere path leading them to their true destiny. Walk on dear friends, long-lost companions, walk on and do not fret. For I am just your small road, that you must leave in the end to find your way home.



To gaze upon the stars would be most cherished by me. Yet somehow, someway the gloomy clouds interrupt my sight. Oh to just see one mere star, to have it sparkle in my eye, would be the most loved and most satisfying sight. Yet the fateful clouds seem to reach each corner of the horizon. Blocking the view of my most hopeful stars, shielding them from my grasp. I wish I could hold just one. To finally grasp one in my trembling hands would be my most memorable day. But the stars are still blockaded, the clouds won’t dissipate. Sometimes I think I’ll see the stars. And yet here I still remain. They’re always within reach, yet cannot find my hands…



Twilight has come. I wait for the moon. He is my nighttime friend. I tell him all that has passed within the day, before he came, pale yellow. He listens to all and feels for me. He cries with me, laughs with me, shares both my shame and glory. He always listens quietly as my life passes through my breath. I have no fear with him. I bear all. There’s no telling what I would do without my moon friend. No telling what I could bear. He carries me through the night, prepares me for the dawn. Then slowly he creeps to bed, as I whisper hopes of our next meeting. He carries me through the day, for I always have faith that he will return when twilight falls again…



Two A.M. and I lie in bed. My eyes are closed, but I cannot sleep. Slowly slip into reveries…my own. All on my own. Lonely days had passed me by. But now they seemed to have found me once again. At the end of my journey through the sun. So I lie awake devoid. Remembering naught at all. Somewhere inside me longs to be in the sun…again…somewhere floating in the sky. But those lonely days won’t end. But those lonely days won’t end. They’ve seemed to find me lying here again…without…it’s two A.M. and I can’t stop thinking. Why, oh, why? Can’t I drift into my reverie of the night? Escape those lonely days and get to sleeping. And I can’t help seeing…that my lonely days are back again. It’s two A.M. as I lie in bed alone…


Thank you for visiting my online writing profile. My husband, Ian, and I also have a collaborative recipe blog where we share how we make the things we love to eat! If you'd like to take a gander, please visit it at: ianalexiscook.food.blog

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