2004 Collection


Memories are too surreal. They fade in the pale glow. Can’t escape the inevitable. The only place I ever go. Dreams no longer comfort. This adolescent fantasy can’t seem to numb reality. I’ve seen too much. I want to get away. Reach serenity’s horizon. I want to stop pretending like a feeling is there for me. Because it isn’t. I need to come to grips with reality. But inwardly I still strive to escape, to elude the inevitable. Soon enough I’ll find my place there. I always do. Lost hopes and dreams. Thought I could get away this time. Thought the standards were different. But reality shows that it’s always the same; it’ll never change for me. That same inevitable; forever by my side.



It’s come around again. Like all the other times. He’s left me standing here all alone. But this time it feels right. The reasons seem different. This time I’m not scared. And this time I’m not confused. Because now I know that sometimes things just work this way. I have no fear this time. I’m not worrying about a thing. Sometimes we’re just meant to be only friends. I don’t mind feeling that feeling at all. I’m not longing for more than that. I’m just fine with being good friends. One day I’ll have my time. But for now I’ll lay aside all doubts and dreams unfulfilled. This time may not be right. And I’m okay with that. I’ll wait patiently because I know my faith will pay off.



Your love is like the stars. Hidden in the day. I never see that You are there until the sun melts away. Not until twilight’s glow do You appear in the sky. And then I see that all along Your love surrounded me. And like the stars Your love is infinite, having no beginning nor end. I gaze upon Your love with all its majesty and glory. The moon shines brightly down upon me, floating amongst the stars, Your love. My faith is renewed as I bask in this celestial flood of Your undying grace. And now I know forevermore that Your love is like the stars. For though I see it only at night, shining through the dark, I know it lingers on past down, beneath the sunlight of day.



If my beauty shined like the sun, would you give me the time of day? Would you care about me at all? Maybe so…I’m sorry that I’m not just a face. You think I’m so simple. A complete waste of time and space. I thought that you would appreciate a woman who was more than just looks. But I guess I’m not even a woman to you. I wish the world lived with its eyes closed tight. Maybe then I would be beautiful. Not to your sight or touch. But for what I truly am, myself. But for now I am trapped within this narcissistic world. I can’t stand out. For once I’d like to know what it feels like to be held in high esteem. To be treated differently. I wish you could see that there’s more to me than what you’re looking for in life. Just once I wish you would see me as more than a simple face.



If only I had a face for this emotion. I could see how I really feel. But like always it remains within. Confusing the intentions of my heart. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. What can I say to describe this feeling? It’s something beyond the realms of loneliness, surpassing meager insecurity. For once I have nothing to say, no way to solve it. Retrieve it from my mind. Eventually it will depart, leaving me with the false hope of freedom forevermore. But like always, it comes right back, at a moment when I feel alive. Showing me all over again my translucent image. For, although I am seen, rarely am I noticed.



How the wonders of the world can go unseen. I’ll never understand what is right before my eyes. How unappreciated a forced smile can be. Beside still waters can a mind find the most calamity. And how can the moon shine so brightly in your lover’s eye? Somehow all escapes perception. Oh, the wonders of the world. And still, the sight of a lover long lost or still expected; so fast does the heart beat when meeting the sight of the longed-for. How loudly it sounds within the most serene human chambers. Even more, the most piercing and passionate feelings can often be found hidden within our hearts. So strange, so wonderful, the wonders of our world. When enveloped in din can peace be found. And while sleeping idly can masterpieces be created. How the wonders of the world contain so much power and weakness. So vivid, so true. And yet such amazing beauty remains untainted, untouched, forgotten before realized. Oh, the wonders of the world. That do not exist.



Forgotten pasts keep on welling up inside. Begin to see all the things I let behind. Eyes enticed, I move closer in to see. All the things that I wanted to be over…far away from me…but now they’re back again.

I can’t fight anymore. When it’s so easy to give in how can I fight it? Vapid days no longer sting me to the core. Unnumbered pleasures envelop heart and soul. If you couldn’t tell before, I’m filling in the void.

Life’s turning away from that systematic world. Desiring now for my life-long goals to be unfurled…from me. Counting days until I can do it all over again…again and again. Nothing matters anymore.

I can’t fight it. When it’s so easy to give in how can I fight it? Vapid days sting me to the core. Unnumbered pleasures envelop heart and soul. If you couldn’t tell before, I’m just filling in the void.

With every day that comes my way, I try to fill in that void. Nothing seems to be working. All that I’ve tried gets packed down inside. But it never fills me in. I’m just filling in the void.

I can’t fight it. When it’s so easy to give in how can I fight it? Vapid days sting me to the core. Unnumbered pleasures envelop heart and soul. If you couldn’t tell before, I’m just filling in the void.

I’m trying to fill myself with the pleasures of the world. But deep down inside I know I’m filling in the void. But it will never cease if I continue on this way. I keep filling, I keep filling in the void. Wish I remembered how to live my life without having to fill in this void.



For a while you and I had such a good time. And for a while I considered the possibilities of you and I. You have a way of bringing passion to my heart and a sparkle in my eye. I tried to fight it but soon subsided when you held your hand in mine. How unfortunate that she’s still in your mind…

First loves always win. You lose the fight even before you begin. I hate to say that I help on for so long, but I was wrong. I should have given in. Because first loves always win.

I believed with all my heart that this time I would overcome. And I truly had faith that you felt I could be the new one. But apparently I was mistaken because she’s not ready to let you go. And as for you, I can tell you already know (that she’s the one who captivates your heart). We have ended before we could start…

First loves always win. You lose the fight even before you begin. I hate to say that I help on for so long, but I was wrong. I should have given in. Because first loves always win.

So I must be shamefully gracious once again. I’ll accept our path of being only good friends. We could have worked so well together. But I know in her you see something better. For that I could never hate her or you. What I would hate is standing in the way of what is true…

First loves always win. You lose the fight even before you begin. I hate to say that I help on for so long, but I was wrong. I should have given in. Because first loves always win.



I’m miles away in a crowd of faces. They smile at me, yet I cannot describe. All the things I feel inside. Or don’t feel at all. Sometimes I’m dead to the senses. Having no real connection or desire to achieve such a bond. And sometimes…I sting to the core. Feeling overwhelmed by the pains I never knew existed. Isolated. Alone. Awkward. I can’t fit in. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t fit the mold. Almost positive I don’t belong. So why try?



Rain fell down upon your face. My eyes drawn upon your own. Burning intensely through the storm. Somehow I lost all sense of thought. Remaining lost within your eyes. Looking intently as the rain touched your face. Slowly meandering to your smiling lips. I remain dazed upon the thought. Of your blissful smile emanating through the rain. Feel like I’ll be lost forever.



She wakes up to the morning light. She knows that her day will be just fine. She turns to the mirror on her side. Puts on her make up. Hoping she’ll think about…What will you do when your beauty fades? Your days are numbered under the sun. Who will you be at the end of your days when your loveliness no longer masks your heart? She continues to deceive herself. Pretending her beauty is immortal. No thoughts about the future. She’s here today. She’s a queen now. If only, she’d take that warning. And build her life on things that cannot melt away. Like the cover girl she puts on her face. What will you do when your beauty fades? Your days are numbered under the sun. Who will you be at the end of your days when your loveliness no longer masks your heart?



The waves crash down upon themselves, and I stand knee deep in their uninviting presence. Pensive as the wind tickles my ear. Staring into a black mass. My ears and eyes trying to focus in on something, anything. I need to defeat my loneliness. On the verge of giving in as the red crescent in the night sky is slowly drowning in black clouds, I catch a glimpse of some green glimmer upon the horizon. Hopeful am I to witness a constant light in the distance. Far and near. Continual and reassuring. I focus in on this light, this miniscule constancy piercing the black void before me. Somehow the stars shine more brightly with every flicker of green. Soon I feel I will reach that light. But far from now will I be able to embrace it for all eternity. The wind’s still pressing against my ears and the precarious, dark waters still separate me from my constant green.



Walking alone with no particular destination. Looking around at what’s beside me. Almost feels like I’m not moving at all. Eternity has frozen for just one moment for me. What happened to those days that I could waste away? Like I had plenty to spare. Like I could get it all back one day. When I needed it. But now it’s no where to be found. Wondering when time had slipped from my grasp. Thought I had everything I could ever want. I had nothing to lose. But now I truly see that everything before me was lost in some way. I had nothing to win because I lost it all.



Caught in the middle. Between two undiscovered worlds. Both so inviting. I have no time to decide. No thoughts, only feelings of unresolved emotion. Don’t want to lose anything or anyone. Can’t decide. Wish things would have happened differently. It’s so hard to choose.



I walked by and caught your eye at a glance. Could this be the beginning of a great romance? I don’t know where this will take us someday. But as long as you are with me along the way. I will not fear. For you are near. At that moment when you held your hand in mine. It sent quivers up and down my spine. I can’t help but fall into a reverie. And it’s showing you, the only one I see. I will not fear. For you are near to me. When you’re near. I feel safe just looking at you. Hope this time my heart’s telling the truth. For when you’re near. All I see is you.



I hate how you’re so misleading. I thought you were different. I was even stupid enough to think you cared just a little more than the rest. But I see old scenes replaying in my life that I desperately tried to avoid. And I smile from a distance as you gaze into her eyes. Yes, I laugh from a distance as she looks at you intently with wonder in her heart. Mimicking the way you looked at me after you kissed me so sweetly and held me so close. But I guess it was all an illusion. Or perhaps I wasn’t enough? I’m just a stepping stone to others far beyond. And it makes me sick to think that I held you in high esteem. And even more so when I think of the foolishness of my heart. Why did I think that this time I’d be treated differently? When all the other times before I’ve been let down completely. Part of me wants to believe that I can make it through sometime. And part of me yet still believes that I can trust again. But people like you keep driving me down and forcing me to believe that this part of my life will never be more than just a big disappointment. So I’m forced to move on as I look back wondering what it could have been. Met only with your fleeting glance as her eyes are fixated on you. As yours will soon be on her. And it kills me a thousand times over. To make myself come to be. Accustomed to such hurtful actions. Should that be me? Apparently not because now your eyes are moving back towards her stare. And I try to walk on and look back no longer. As you are forgetting me.



So many times I have wandered by your eyes

remain dulled to the sight of my figure rushing by

sorry I’m in your way or that for a moment I may have blocked  

your view from what you wanted to see

something other than me

for now I wish I could make into reality the thought of you wanting me

because for some reason I saw in your character something that would work for me finally in the end it always turns out the same

in that moment I’m in your sight

but like always I can’t stay

I must continue walking on as you look in the same direction

in the path I momentarily walked through

until I left your direct line of sight

I don’t even look back now

what’s the use when I’ll soon be forgotten

as you will be for me

just a flicker of light a fleeting memory

maybe sometime I’ll think back to that temporal moment of joy

when I passed by your eyes

and thought you might have seen me.


Thank you for visiting my online writing profile. My husband, Ian, and I also have a collaborative recipe blog where we share how we make the things we love to eat! If you'd like to take a gander, please visit it at: ianalexiscook.food.blog

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